Today we celebrated Briar's 4th birthday. I woke up this morning and started crying while playing with Beckett and changing his diaper. It's our usual morning routine for me to get him out of his crib, smile and play, then change his diaper. I was not sure why today I was crying during such a routine thing. A few minutes later, I remembered I needed to sing to my big boy Briar! I ran up the stairs to find the birthday boy and sing to him. I asked what he wanted to do for his birthday. He said he wanted to go to Target and get a Bey Blade. I offered to take him today, but since we are visiting cousins he wants to go when we get back home. All he wanted to do for his birthday was play with cousins and get a snow cone. Unfortunately the snow cone stand was closed, but a trip to the gas station sufficed as he got to pick out whatever treats he wanted (Gatorade and Skittles). Then later I went to Costco with my sister in law for a few groceries. After we checked out I went to the food court. As I was waiting for my ice cream bar to be made I was getting teary eyed again. I miss Easton so much!!
We happen to be visiting family in Dallas (Laura and John Ellis) and Grandma Betty Whipple is here from Idaho as well. We have enjoyed our family time for sure! Grandma Betty never met Easton, and she was also unable to attend his funeral service. After dinner we decided to show her the video that Nathan made with all of Easton's pictures. I was a mess as I just looked at his angelic face and wished so badly I could squeeze him today. As I tucked Briar in bed, I realized why today has been so emotional. I don't know where I heard this, but I heard we are a little more emotional when we feel a loved ones spirit close. I told Briar that I think his best friend and brother had his spirit with us today. Briar's reply was, "I couldn't see his spirit mom." So I ask him if he felt Easton tugging on his heart string. Briar said, "Yes, I feel him tugging my heart."
Today was such a hard day missing Easton, because I know he is Briar's best friend. I have no doubt that his spirit was close to me today which explains the random stream of tears. I miss that little guy more than words could ever explain, but I have enjoyed the spiritual lessons, the sweet tender mercies, and the humbling affect it has had on my family. I just hope that as our family continues to move forward that our children will remember the relationships they shared with Easton. I already feel like those memories are fading fast for me. I used to be able to hear his voice and laugh in my mind. I struggle as I try to concentrate and remember them. I am so thankful for modern technology that allows us to video record on our cell phones. We have been blessed with some sweet videos of that perfect little boy to help keep those memories fresh and alive. It must have been so much harder for those before our day when they didn't have pictures or videos to look at and remind them of the sweet and precious innocence of our little children. Happy birthday Briar! I am so glad you and Easton were such good friends and I have no doubt that you will be friends and brothers forever in Heaven. I am so blessed to be your mom. I am thankful for Briar and his innocence. He is very close to the spirit and has such a true and real faith and knowledge of our Heavenly Father and His plan. It amazes me how much he truly understands and how much faith he has. I love my big Boy Briar! He is just growing up way too fast! I also hope Briar remembers these experiences and the spirit he has with him, so that as he grows up he will strengthen his relationship with the Savior and our Heavenly Father, so he will also get to be with his "best fwend, Beastie".
Friday, July 26, 2013
Sunday, July 21, 2013
Trials Can Be a Spiritual Experience
This week has been more difficult than others since Easton's death. As I struggle each day to focus on normal tasks or conversations my heart just aches. I have a hard time carrying a conversation. I feel like I only hear about 2/3 of what people say to me. I apologize to all my friends for that. I don't even know where my mind goes. It just seems partially numb. My faith and testimony don't wa...iver, but the pain is real. Earlier this week I was asked to speak in church today. This week as I pondered the topic of my talk I began to realize that EVERY trial I face in life CAN be a spiritual experience if I put my heart, soul, mind, and faith in the Savior. I recognized that as I began thinking about my experiences with Easton and all that the spirit has taught me since he has died. Our family has learned so much from his life and his death. It has been a very spiritual experience and I have had many each week since his death, which i am truly thankful for. As much pain as I feel every day, I know it will get better. I know that joy will replace that pain ten fold stronger when we reunite with Easton in Heaven. I appreciate the tender mercies that are sent to me so often as I need them. I am thankful to know that Heavenly Father is mindful of me and my needs. I know he knows what trials to send me so that I can learn to be more like Him. I also know he won't give me more than I can handle. I am thankful for this knowledge because it brings me peace during this difficult time. I couldn't imagine going through this without the testimony I have of my Savior and His Gospel that is taught in His church, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.
Tender Mercy Beckett Boy
My happy boy! Heavenly Father knew how hard each morning would be without sweet Easton, so it is no accident that he sent me this happy boy to take care of! Good morning from the Beckett Boy!!!
Garden of Easton
My husband has done an amazing job and worked so hard to create a place of reverence where we can go spend time relecting on our life and our memories of Easton. This is a sacred place where we can feel Easton close to us and feel the Savior's love surround us as we take quiet time away from the noise of the world and reflect on things of more importance.
Sir Cuteness
Just wanted to share this picture. I sure miss my sweet Easton. I can't imagine how anyone could go through losing a loved one without a strong faith. I am thankful for my knowledge of the Gospel. As much as I miss him, I know I will see him again! I will be ready and excited to hold him again! I miss his snuggles and squeezes.
Unselfishness
This picture is from a video of Easton playing with two balls. The brown dog, Milo, kept trying to take the balls and Easton would say, "No Milo, No." Then by the end of the video Easton is giving the ball to Milo. It just shows how unselfish Easton was. He always wanted to share and make others happy.
Lasting Scars
Above the scratch you will find a scar. As I was feeding Beckett and looking at his sweet face, I saw this scar. It is one I hope will NEVER fade! This scar is from the day after he was born. Beckett wasn't in the car longer than a minute ...when Easton had loved on him a little too rough as they sat in their car seat next to each other. Easton loves his little brother and was always wanting to hold, snuggle, or play with Beckett. As Beckett grows up I am sure this scar will fade and get smaller, but I hope he will always remember the love of Easton in his heart. That love scar in our hearts will never fade but instead remind us how to love and give us hope and strength to be good enough to join Easton in our Father's presence.
Zacky's night routine
Zackery has a nightly ritual now where he will snuggle and we listen to Easton's song at least 5 times. He will cry, I will cry, we stare at Easton's picture, and then we talk about fun things we miss about him. Zackery has such a soft hea...rt and his favorite memory is sharing his special blankets with Easton. That is as special as Easton sharing his binkies!!! Easton also loved to tease Zack and run off with his blankets in anticipation that Zackery would chase him around the house. I miss his laugh, smile, snuggles, and the putter patter of his feet running on the wood floors throughout the house. But Easton has left our home with a legacy of love. That boy knows how to love!!!
Easton's Song by Megan Burnside
http://www.muziboo.com/mp3/eastons-song-a-parents-prayer/
My sister in law Laura Ellis had a friend who offered to write Easton a song. Amazing is all I can say. Words can't express the outpouring of love we feel from so many people sharing their time and talents. Megan wrote, composed, and recorded this song within about a week time period.
My sister in law Laura Ellis had a friend who offered to write Easton a song. Amazing is all I can say. Words can't express the outpouring of love we feel from so many people sharing their time and talents. Megan wrote, composed, and recorded this song within about a week time period.
Wednesday, July 17, 2013
Never an imposition 7-17-13
Today was another really tough day for no particular reason or understanding of why. Some days are just harder than others. Yesterday my brother in law found Easton's binky in the slough where he had drowned. As the water level has continued to go down we have thought about possibly finding it. I know he had one when he went outside, and I wanted to find it and know where it was. So I am gratefu...l to have that. Also, today as I sorted produce I recognized how much "easier" it is without Easton unsorting or taking bites out of multiple apples in other people's baskets. Then I immediately wished I had him here to make those messes and distractions for me. I miss him so much. It was fun watching him enjoy all the fruit! Heavenly Father knew I was having a hard day. Not only did he send one person to visit, but he sent four! And I received two phone calls out of the ordinary from family members that were thinking about me, and they are ones who don't normally call. I even had a busy day with many people coming and going to pick up their produce. So in addition to all the produce visitors I had those other visits and phone calls. I can't help but count my blessings and feel the Saviors love as He truly knows our pains and afflictions. He knows our wants, needs, and desires. I have truly felt His love today through those visits and phone calls. I have had many people tell me they weren't sure if they should call or come by because they didn't want to impose. My advice to them all has been, if you feel like you want to do something nice for someone just do it. How can expressing love to someone and serving someone ever be an imposition on another? I just don't see how anyone could ever be offended when another person is trying to show love and support. So I thank those of you who chose to come visit and call today and every day since Easton died. I know sometimes Gods love is shown through the works of men here on earth. I hope I can, in some small way, be an instrument in the Lords hand for others as well as many of you have been for me!
Sunday, July 14, 2013
Thursday, July 4, 2013
Independence Day 7-4-13
Tonight before we started fireworks I took some alone time in the Garden of Easton to think about Easton. Last year was his first and last 4th of July and he was too tired to stay awake for fireworks. We were at a family reunion in St Georg...e and he spent the day swimming and playing with cousins and his siblings. I could see him this year, being almost two, taking pop rocks and throwing them at the ground near his siblings with a mischievous smile and his cute laugh enjoying the thrill of teasing them. Oh how i miss that sweet little guy! It also makes me think about how truly special this day of celebrating our independence is. I am thankful to our founding fathers and all the men, women, and families that sacrifice to keep our country free. Free to make choices for ourselves. I am most grateful for the freedom of religion. I believe agency (the ability to choose for ourselves) is a gift from God. I am thankful to be able to worship God how I choose to. I am thankful for the knowledge of the Gospel of Jesus Crist. I know through His teachings that I am truly a child of God. I know why I am here on earth. I know this earth is a test and through my tests and trials and how I choose to use my freedoms and agency will either draw me closer or further from Him. I know what happens after this life and I know I will be judged according to my faith and works while i was here on earth. I know my trials are given to me to help me draw closer to my Savior and if I endure those trials well I will become more like my Savior. I know I am also far from perfect, but I am thankful for the knowledge that as I strive to become more like the Savior and do the best I can to make choices that will draw me closer to Him, that where I fall short is where His grace comes in to make up the difference. As I enjoy my family time, fireworks, and celebration of this country without my sweet Easton, whom I miss dearly, I am thankful for my Savior blessing me with this knowledge. This knowledge is what helps me find peace so i can sleep at night. I hope that while everyone is celebrating we can all remember what a blessing it is to use this gift of freedom and agency for GOOD and making choices that will bring God closer to them. Happy Independence Day everyone!!
Monday, July 1, 2013
5 weeks
Yesterday made 5 weeks since our Easton was taken back to our Father in Heaven. Each morning I wake up thinking it was just a nightmare. Then I stare at his crib thinking I will see him in it. As I look at the empty crib, tricycle, booster seat, car seat, shoes, toys, clothes, binkies, and any other thing that reminds me of him, my heart is broken missing my sweet Easton. Daily mundane tasks like cooking, grocery shoppping, and taking care of the house are hard and send my mind into a state of confusion. As I wonder why such simple tasks are hard, yet coaching and serving others is easy, someone pointed out that those tasks that are daily mundane things I did for Easton. Subconciously it is hard because doing them without him is admitting he isn't around and it is moving on without him. This weekend we took a family trip for some quality family time. It was quiet and we were able to talk with each child one on one. We also got to have a lot of fun. It was great getting away from the busy daily life. It was also hard thinking Easton would have loved to be hiking, swimming, and playing too. He loved to be outdoors and loved swimming. As hard as each day is, and as I feel sad missing him, I am quick to remember that without sadness there is no joy. I think of why we are given opposition in all things. We must know saddness to know joy. We must know heartbreak to know love. I know my Savior lives and loves me. I know Easton lives and I will be with him again. I just have a lot more learning to do to be worthy to enough to join them. As I continue to face this trial I see many blessings and continue to see the hand of the Lord in my life. I have learned many things of Easton's life and death. I am sure there are many more things I will learn as well, as long as I continue to turn to my Father in heaven.
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