Christmas

This Christmas we celebrated the birth of the Savior, Beckett's first Christmas, and our first Christmas without Easton. This was a day of many emotions: sad, peaceful, happy, reverent, and joyous.   Every time we sang "Silent Night" this year I cried for a few reasons. I have a whole new understanding and insight, small as it may be, to what it may have been like the night the Savior was born. I imagine that night being reverent and peaceful.  I couldn't help but think about a conversation Nathan and I had about a week after Easton died. We were getting out of the car in the evening at Nathan's parents house and we both recognized how loud the animals were outside. We both then talked about the night one week prior when Easton died and how quiet and calm nature was when we were looking for him.  Tears of peace and joy comfort me as I think about life and how connected everything is.  I think about the reverence and peace that nature (wind, trees, water, animals, and bugs) had the night Easton returned to Heavenly Father. It truly was a "Silent Night" and a "Holy Night" where all was calm around us, despite the frantic panic of losing Easton.  Amidst all the craziness and sadness that evening,  I can truly say I did find peace and calm as I cried and began to mourn as I tried to process our new reality; Easton was not coming with us.

This Christmas definitely felt different as the void of Easton being gone was ever so noticeable.  But I know Easton's presence will always be near me at the times God knows I need to feel him close.  As I watched the kids open presents and play I thought of Easton often.  He would have loved singing on grandma and papa's singing machine, dancing to the music, shooting paintball guns, flying helicopters, jumping on the trampoline, and riding bikes with his cousins and siblings.  Although it is heartbreaking to imagine what it could be like with him still here, I am always so grateful for my Savior who has made it possible for our family to be together forever.  I'm thankful for my testimony and knowledge of the Gospel of Jesus Christ, which  gives me hope and peace that all things will be made right in the end.  What a blessing that knowledge is, that my Heavenly Father loves me so much that He will make up for the heartache I feel now.  I know I can't imagine or understand how that all works, but I know it will be my faith that allows me to be blessed with what my Heavenly Father has in store for me.

I have included a little video from last Christmas. I have watched this video multiple times today.  I enjoyed watching Easton last Christmas.  He was always so happy!  He loved everything and everyone.  It is such a joy to see the glow in his eyes and his heartwarming smile.  I hope everyone else enjoys watching him as much as I do.  It is so amazing to think how our lives change in an instant.  Easton is no longer a toddler just enjoying the sights, sounds, smells, and tastes of life.  He is alive and well, but in another place doing other work.  My life has changed.  I can't comprehend or even imagine what Easton is like in heaven.  I can only imagine him as he was and what I saw him as here on earth, a toddler full of adventure, life, and love.  I love the time I had with him!  I love the experiences we shared.  I look forward to being with him again and learning and seeing what he was doing while I was still here.

683

What's so important about this number?  Nathan gave me this letter and necklace for Christmas.  His letter says it all!

12-25-2013

 

Tiff,

 

            When I came up with the idea for this gift I was thinking about the time that we had with Easton. I was counting the number of days that he was on the earth with us and about all of the beautiful memories we had with him. Easton lived with us for 683 days, and I kept thinking….683 days of perfection. But then I thought about more than the time we had with him here, but the eternities that we will have with him forever. So with these thoughts I designed this pendant specifically for you, in memory of Easton and the wonderful blessing he has been in our lives and that continue to come to us after his death.

 

            The pendant is made of white gold. I chose this for 2 reasons…1. Because you like it better, and 2. Because it seemed more pure to me than yellow gold. When I think of Eastons life I think of the purity that he brought with his calm demeanor and the way he made everyone around him feel loved. He showed the pure love of Christ to all around him.

 

            If you look at the center of the pendant you will see the number 683. This number represents the days that we had with Easton on this earth. 683 days of joy that shaped our family into something much better than before he was with us. I think about these days and am so thankful for all of the happy memories we were able to make and even though we have experienced so much sadness with his death I would do it all over again 1000 times, if I could.  Those 683 days will always be special to us.

 

            The 683 is surrounded by a circle. A circle has many meanings, but I thought about how a circle is defined by its center. If the center moves, so does the circle. Eastons life has helped me redefine my center and the center of our family and I know that with Jesus Christ at the center of our family we can be whole again….just like a circle…everlasting with no breaks. I also think about Easton, and our desire to be with him, as a center of the circle. As we live our lives in a way that allows us to live with him eternally we will be putting Jesus Christ at the center.

 

            You will also see a lot of diamonds on the pendant. Diamonds are so precious because of their rarity, but also because of the circumstances by which they are made. Diamonds are also very hard, the hardest of elements, and cannot be scratched by other elements. A diamond is formed out of the same elements as coal. Under extreme pressure and heat, these elements become beautiful and everlasting. After they are formed diamonds are pushed to the surface of the earth by deep volcanic eruptions. I think about this past year and the extreme pressures and challenges that we have faced and I am thankful to have a wife who has emerged from these pressures and challenges as a diamond. You have withstood the pressures and have come out more beautiful than ever. The challenges have helped our testimonies of the gospel harden, like a diamond, and as we are pushed to the surface we can now bless the lives of others because of our experiences. The diamonds also remind me of Easton…his clear beautiful eyes that we could look into for hours, because he was pure.  He was a diamond when he came to us, and he helped us become more like him.

 

            Last, the number 8 is also the infinity symbol. When I was drawing out this design, originally with just the 683, I realized that the 683 is just the beginning and that we can spend eternity with him, so I had to fit this symbol in. When I figured out how to draw it in I thought it was perfect. The 683 days that we spent with him is just a part of eternity, and while the 683 days were great, eternity is our focus, and became the focus of the necklace design.

 

            I hope that this will have as much meaning to you as it did to me in having this made, and that it will be a precious reminder of our sweet Eastie, but also of our goal of an eternal family. I am thankful that I married someone who will help our family reach that goal. I knew when I prayed about marrying you that you were a diamond. Our Heavenly Father knows all, and he will continue to bless us with the challenges that he know we need to reach our goal of living with our Beast again.

 

I love you,

Easton's Christmas Trees

We have truly felt so much love and support from around the world.  Ma Whipple had a wonderful idea to ask our friends, family, and acquaintances who want to join us in sending ornaments for Christmas trees that we placed at our house, the path toward the Garden of Easton, and at the cemetery.  We had such a wonderful response that next year, we will get bigger trees!  We also added a fourth tree and made an Easton tree at Ma and Pa Whipple's house.  We have ornaments from all over the country and world, even as far as Germany!  Our family had a great day preparing these trees, looking at every ornament, labeling who they were from, and placing them on the trees.  Our hearts are filled with love and gratitude as we have felt everyone's love toward us, helping us through the holidays.  We noticed that everyone put much thought and effort into the ornaments.   We hope to continue adding to the tree each year, so anyone is welcome to continue to participate with our family as you may desire.

Thanksgiving

 

Thanksgiving was a very fun time last year as our family went to Dallas to visit cousins.  We had a fun dance party with all the cousins.  We happened to catch Easton shaking his booty during the "Shake your Bum Bum" song.  It was a difficult day today, but I thought many of our loved ones may enjoy watching this fun video we caught of him last year.  I am so thankful for modern technology that allows us to capture priceless moments to cherish  forever.  As time continues on and I try to remember everything about Easton, many things fade.  I can't always hear his laugh in my mind.  I struggle to recall his voice so readily.  I know he had a sweet voice and the inflection always ending in a higher pitch with every word, but the exactness of it is fading.  I love being able to watch videos and see him so full of life.  I know his spirit is still living, but for now I don't know what all he is doing and what all that entails.  So, for now, it is fun to remember what his little body was doing while he was here with me for his short 22 months.  I have much to be thankful for this Thanksgiving, and one thing is being blessed with 6 beautiful children!  I'm thankful to be a mom.  I'm grateful to be Easton's mom.

Beckett's first words

After having 6 children, I love figuring out the first words of each child.  Cameron was quack, quack.  McKenzie, Zackery, and Briar was dada.  Easton was mama.  Beckett's first word was out of the ordinary, but perfectly fitting.  He said "num, nums" first.  It is Beckett's second word that brings me tears of joy and love.

Almost daily I will look at pictures of Easton around the house or on my cell phone wall.  Often times Beckett will see the picture on my phone screen and start kicking his legs excitedly as he tries to kiss and talk to Easton's picture.  But, on this particular day, I was standing in Easton's bedroom just staring at his crib.  Above his crib Nathan hung two canvas pictures of Easton and McKenzie.  As I was staring off at the pictures I heard Beckett chattering to his brother's picture as usual, but in the chatter, I heard Easton's name.   At first I thought I was imagining it.  So, I got my phone out and put Easton's picture right in front of him.  I said, "Easton," as I showed Beckett the picture.  Immediately Beckett said,"Easton."  We repeated his name together several times.  It was so exciting for me!  I didn't tell anyone except Nathan, so that night we did the same thing in Easton's room.  Nathan was able to hear Beckett say Easton's name. 

About a week later, I went to visit Grandma and Grandpa Whipple.  After being over there for a little bit, I remembered I hadn't told them that Beckett can say Easton's name. So, I found my mother in law and told her.  She replied, "I know.  We just came in from Easton's garden and I heard him say Easton while we were out there."  She didn't even know that Beckett knew how to say his name, but was able to recognize that he said it while they were in a special place. 

I love that Heavenly Father constantly shows me tender mercies during this difficult time.  Some people may think it is sad that Beckett will never know Easton, since he was only 2 months old when Easton died.  But, I know that is not true.  I know Beckett already knows his brother.  I know he will be able to feel Easton's spirit and presence throughout his life as he tries to stay close to Heavenly Father.  I also know the same is true for me and the rest of our family.  I know that as I go throughout the rest of my life that if I lean on Heavenly Father and live my life in a way that keeps Him close to me, I will be able to feel close to Easton as well. 

  

HALLOWEEN: Pin the MUSTACHE on the Beast

In our family, we traditionally participate in our church "Trunk or Treat."  Each year we gather in the parking lot to pass out candy from the trunk of our car, where some also set up games for children to play in order to "earn" their candy.  Last year our family did a fishing pond with the name of a candy flavor/brand on each fish to determine the type of candy the child would receive.  This year, Grandma Whipple decided to do pin the nose on the Jack-o-Lantern.  When she told me her idea, I immediately thought about pinning a mustache on a picture of Easton.  I thought that would be a lot of fun for the kids and a great way to have Easton with us.  We decided to have a life size poster made of Easton with a picture from last Halloween dressed in a vampire costume.  He loved his vampire teeth, which isn't typical for a child his age.  Not only would he wear them on Halloween, but we ended up with several pictures of him in his car seat with glow in the dark teeth as well.  I guess my little man just loved having things in him mouth! 

Last year I remember him enjoying one of the "scary" spider displays that one of our friends, the Willford's, had by their car.  The spider would shake then jump.  Easton would watch the spider move and anticipate when it was going to jump.  He would shake in his grandpa's arms and jump as the spider would jump, because it would "scare" him.  He would get so scared and say "scary" with his sweet and cute little voice.  Then, when papa would walk away after the spider would stop moving/vibrating, he would say, "gen, gen"
and ask Grandpa Whipple to take him back for more!!  I miss the adventure he had in life as I would watch him explore everything, even things that scared him for a moment.  He loved every thrill and every moment.

Beckett enjoying our bucket of candy

Although I missed Easton getting to play games and dress up, I truly enjoyed watching all the children play our game and seeing their reaction as they would see the poster of Easton.  When we looked at our family picture with the poster, it was so neat to see that Easton looked like he was right there with us.  Although we didn't get to dress Easton up and walk him around to trick or treat, I know he was there with us in spirit.  I can feel his presence often when he is noticeably missed from family traditions and special activities.  I miss him all the time, but I know he is aware that some days are harder than others and in those harder moments I feel him watching over me.

 

My mom was also very kind to make all my kids a trick or treat bag with a mustache theme.  Each child has a mustache and phrase about their candy "stache".   Each year we use these bags will be a reminder to us all that Easton is with us.  It is just a fun symbol to remind us that the "stache" is with us.  

 

 

 

Child of Light

I have had such a great day today.  I have cried tears of joy and sadness from the loss of Easton not being here with me today.  Because of the experience our family has had with Easton's death, we have had the opportunity to share our faith and beliefs with others.  Today I was asked how the Gospel of Jesus Christ has helped me in my daily life.  I can't help but feel my Heavenly Father's love even stronger when I am asked that question.  It would take a long time to explain how it blesses my life, but I hope that from what others around me see from my example that I don't have to take as much time to explain but I hope others can see how it blesses me. I am so humbled and blessed to have the knowledge and faith I have of who I am, why I am here, and where I am going.  I am also blessed to know why Heavenly Father puts trials in our lives.  I know that because of Easton's life, and his early departure, our family (and me specifically) has learned many things that couldn't have been learned any other way.  I have a friend that is dear to me who has had a tough life and upbringing.  As I have come to know her and love her, I have learned that she doesn't understand or recognize God's love for her, and because of past choices doesn't always feel worthy of Him.  As I have been able to try and help her find and feel the love Heavenly Father has for each of us, I have continued to recognize it in my own life even stronger.  I can't help but feel so blessed to know I am a daughter of a king.  He has so much to offer each one of us in His kingdom and is waiting for us to return to Him. 

As I met with my friend today, I referenced many things I have learned from my experience with being Easton's mom.  It of course has made me miss him even more than I already do, since it was on my very mind so strongly.  I decided to sit and watch the video that one of my friends made to have play as guests waited for the funeral to start.  As I sat and watched it today, I couldn't help but feel the spirit witness to me again how important each and every one of us are.  I felt the spirit so strong reminding me that as I seek him, I can make it through anything!  One of the songs on the video, "Child of Light" by Mindy Gledhill, really hit home for how my friend has been feeling, and reminds me once again that through seeking light and truth we will come to know all things and get through anything with the love of the Savior helping us each step of the way to get us back to our Heavenly Father.
Below you will find a link to the song and the lyrics, "Child of Light"

Click the link below to watch Easton's video

http://animoto.com/play/9190uvrHxI4D5iLEGpFXHQ 

"Child of Light" lyrics- Mindy Gledhill

Did you ever wonder who you are
do you ever wonder as you stare into the stars
where you began
and how you got this far
from home?

Have you ever walked along the shore
Have you ever seen the water dancing back and forth
did you look inside
to see if there was more to life

There's a dream taking wings
There's a voice that wants to sing
Even in the deepest darkest night
The Torch is raised to the sky
There are hands that hold it high
You were born to keep it burning bright
You were made to fly you were meant to shine
Child of light

You will never ever stand alone
You were never called to bare your burdens on your own
Where there's fear
Love will take control
And lead you on

There's a dream taking wings
There's a voice that wants to sing
Even in the deepest darkest night
The  Torch is raised to the sky
There are hands that hold it high
You were born to keep it burning bright
You were made to fly you were meant to shine
child of light

There's a dream taking wings
There's a voice that wants to sing
Even in the deepest darkest night
The Torch is raised to the sky
there are hands that hold it high
You were born to keep it burning bright
You were made to fly you were meant to shine
Child of light
 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-mu4wpBtyqw to listen to Mindy Gledhill sing "Child of Light"

The New Reality

The kids started school last week and our new reality has started.  The reality that Easton won't be home to play with Briar, Beckett, or me.  I decided to put Briar into pre-k, which is something I haven't done with any of my other children. Usually we have done an in-home preschool co-op for our kids.  I felt that it would be good for him to have kids his age to play with for a few hours each day, to help fill the void of missing his "best fwend" and play mate all day.  I am sure he still misses him all day, but at least it is a little of a distraction for a few hours.  Briar loves going to school.  I sure miss him. It is so weird having just Beckett home for a few hours each day.  Especially when I should still have 3 kids all day at home and 3 kids at school. 

I have had quite an emotional week with all the kids gone most of the day.  I have found myself crying several times throughout the day.  I miss my sweet baby boy.  This has been one of the hardest weeks ever!  Although, not all of everyday has been terribly difficult, what has made it so hard is that the kids come home from school tired.  I am sure they have a lot going on in their minds that I don't know or understand.  They are still trying to move on and grieve also.  They have been very out of character.  The kids have been grumpy, fighting, picking on each other, and not doing what I ask them when I ask several times.  This is very uncharacteristic of them.  Don't get me wrong, they aren't perfect and I know that they aren't going to be perfect.  But it is magnified and more than the average for my kiddos.  In return, I have allowed myself to be grumpy, raise my voice, and be easily irritable.  I feel like a failure as a mother when I get short with my children and less than patient with them. 

I am beginning to realize the loss of Easton isn't just a test of our faith.  It is a test for us as a family in many aspects of our lives.  I still have learn to be more kind, loving, and patient as a mother.  I need to understand that my children are hurting as well.  When I see them being extra grumpy, picking on each other, or quick to anger, instead of allowing myself to be irritated I realize I need to show extra love and understanding.  To do this doesn't mean to allow the negative behavior to continue, but rather pull them aside and tell them I know it isn't like them to behave that way and find out what is going on in their head. 

Yesterday, on Labor Day, as we ate lunch with extended family, I was quite upset about some things and very frustrated.  I decided to sit in the booth and read my scriptures to help me find peace and comfort, to help get rid of the feelings of frustration bottled inside me ready to explode, because I felt like a ticking time bomb.  I came upon this scripture found in the Book of Mormon, Alma chapter 7, verse 23.  It reads:

And now I would that ye should be humble, and be submissive and gentle; easy to be entreated; full of patience and long-suffering; being temperate in all things; being diligent in keeping the commandments of God at all times; asking for whatsoever things ye stand in need, both spiritual and temporal; always returning thanks unto God for whatsoever things ye do receive.

Over and over again I see the Lord's hand in my life.  As I read this scripture and thought about how it applies to me, I realized that as I continue to do my best to follow the Savior that I still need to ASK for what I need help with.  He will and He does help me when I ask!  When I receive that help and blessings, I need to remember to give thanks.  I felt overwhelming love from my Heavenly Father in that moment as I was seeking to find that love and peace during a difficult moment.  My husband was quick to remind me that I didn't have a bad week.  I had some bad moments during my week.  I am thankful for a husband that helps set such a good example and positive attitude, especially during such a difficult time for him as well.

Although the new reality for our family is missing our 2 year old, there are many blessings to be thankful for.  Our family has received an outpouring of love from friends, family, and acquaintances, as well as strangers.  I have felt God's love stronger than ever before!  We have had the opportunity to look at our priorities and strengthen our faith.  Even though this school year has started out difficult with missing my kiddos during the day and missing sweet Easton, I am blessed to have 5 children still here with me that help me on this earth to be a better person and one in heaven cheering me on to never give up so we can all be together again!


The kids on their second day of school, because I am a slacker and missed first day pictures!


Briar holding Beckett's hand after picking him up from his first day of preschool


Beckett giving me sweet kisses to brighten my day