Tuesday, September 3, 2013

The New Reality

The kids started school last week and our new reality has started.  The reality that Easton won't be home to play with Briar, Beckett, or me.  I decided to put Briar into pre-k, which is something I haven't done with any of my other children. Usually we have done an in-home preschool co-op for our kids.  I felt that it would be good for him to have kids his age to play with for a few hours each day, to help fill the void of missing his "best fwend" and play mate all day.  I am sure he still misses him all day, but at least it is a little of a distraction for a few hours.  Briar loves going to school.  I sure miss him. It is so weird having just Beckett home for a few hours each day.  Especially when I should still have 3 kids all day at home and 3 kids at school. 

I have had quite an emotional week with all the kids gone most of the day.  I have found myself crying several times throughout the day.  I miss my sweet baby boy.  This has been one of the hardest weeks ever!  Although, not all of everyday has been terribly difficult, what has made it so hard is that the kids come home from school tired.  I am sure they have a lot going on in their minds that I don't know or understand.  They are still trying to move on and grieve also.  They have been very out of character.  The kids have been grumpy, fighting, picking on each other, and not doing what I ask them when I ask several times.  This is very uncharacteristic of them.  Don't get me wrong, they aren't perfect and I know that they aren't going to be perfect.  But it is magnified and more than the average for my kiddos.  In return, I have allowed myself to be grumpy, raise my voice, and be easily irritable.  I feel like a failure as a mother when I get short with my children and less than patient with them. 

I am beginning to realize the loss of Easton isn't just a test of our faith.  It is a test for us as a family in many aspects of our lives.  I still have learn to be more kind, loving, and patient as a mother.  I need to understand that my children are hurting as well.  When I see them being extra grumpy, picking on each other, or quick to anger, instead of allowing myself to be irritated I realize I need to show extra love and understanding.  To do this doesn't mean to allow the negative behavior to continue, but rather pull them aside and tell them I know it isn't like them to behave that way and find out what is going on in their head. 

Yesterday, on Labor Day, as we ate lunch with extended family, I was quite upset about some things and very frustrated.  I decided to sit in the booth and read my scriptures to help me find peace and comfort, to help get rid of the feelings of frustration bottled inside me ready to explode, because I felt like a ticking time bomb.  I came upon this scripture found in the Book of Mormon, Alma chapter 7, verse 23.  It reads:

And now I would that ye should be humble, and be submissive and gentle; easy to be entreated; full of patience and long-suffering; being temperate in all things; being diligent in keeping the commandments of God at all times; asking for whatsoever things ye stand in need, both spiritual and temporal; always returning thanks unto God for whatsoever things ye do receive.

Over and over again I see the Lord's hand in my life.  As I read this scripture and thought about how it applies to me, I realized that as I continue to do my best to follow the Savior that I still need to ASK for what I need help with.  He will and He does help me when I ask!  When I receive that help and blessings, I need to remember to give thanks.  I felt overwhelming love from my Heavenly Father in that moment as I was seeking to find that love and peace during a difficult moment.  My husband was quick to remind me that I didn't have a bad week.  I had some bad moments during my week.  I am thankful for a husband that helps set such a good example and positive attitude, especially during such a difficult time for him as well.

Although the new reality for our family is missing our 2 year old, there are many blessings to be thankful for.  Our family has received an outpouring of love from friends, family, and acquaintances, as well as strangers.  I have felt God's love stronger than ever before!  We have had the opportunity to look at our priorities and strengthen our faith.  Even though this school year has started out difficult with missing my kiddos during the day and missing sweet Easton, I am blessed to have 5 children still here with me that help me on this earth to be a better person and one in heaven cheering me on to never give up so we can all be together again!

The kids on their second day of school, because I am a slacker and missed first day pictures!

Briar holding Beckett's hand after picking him up from his first day of preschool

Beckett giving me sweet kisses to brighten my day

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