Wednesday, December 25, 2013


This Christmas we celebrated the birth of the Savior, Beckett's first Christmas, and our first Christmas without Easton. This was a day of many emotions: sad, peaceful, happy, reverent, and joyous.   Every time we sang "Silent Night" this year I cried for a few reasons. I have a whole new understanding and insight, small as it may be, to what it may have been like the night the Savior was born. I imagine that night being reverent and peaceful.  I couldn't help but think about a conversation Nathan and I had about a week after Easton died. We were getting out of the car in the evening at Nathan's parents house and we both recognized how loud the animals were outside. We both then talked about the night one week prior when Easton died and how quiet and calm nature was when we were looking for him.  Tears of peace and joy comfort me as I think about life and how connected everything is.  I think about the reverence and peace that nature (wind, trees, water, animals, and bugs) had the night Easton returned to Heavenly Father. It truly was a "Silent Night" and a "Holy Night" where all was calm around us, despite the frantic panic of losing Easton.  Amidst all the craziness and sadness that evening,  I can truly say I did find peace and calm as I cried and began to mourn as I tried to process our new reality; Easton was not coming with us.

This Christmas definitely felt different as the void of Easton being gone was ever so noticeable.  But I know Easton's presence will always be near me at the times God knows I need to feel him close.  As I watched the kids open presents and play I thought of Easton often.  He would have loved singing on grandma and papa's singing machine, dancing to the music, shooting paintball guns, flying helicopters, jumping on the trampoline, and riding bikes with his cousins and siblings.  Although it is heartbreaking to imagine what it could be like with him still here, I am always so grateful for my Savior who has made it possible for our family to be together forever.  I'm thankful for my testimony and knowledge of the Gospel of Jesus Christ, which  gives me hope and peace that all things will be made right in the end.  What a blessing that knowledge is, that my Heavenly Father loves me so much that He will make up for the heartache I feel now.  I know I can't imagine or understand how that all works, but I know it will be my faith that allows me to be blessed with what my Heavenly Father has in store for me.

I have included a little video from last Christmas. I have watched this video multiple times today.  I enjoyed watching Easton last Christmas.  He was always so happy!  He loved everything and everyone.  It is such a joy to see the glow in his eyes and his heartwarming smile.  I hope everyone else enjoys watching him as much as I do.  It is so amazing to think how our lives change in an instant.  Easton is no longer a toddler just enjoying the sights, sounds, smells, and tastes of life.  He is alive and well, but in another place doing other work.  My life has changed.  I can't comprehend or even imagine what Easton is like in heaven.  I can only imagine him as he was and what I saw him as here on earth, a toddler full of adventure, life, and love.  I love the time I had with him!  I love the experiences we shared.  I look forward to being with him again and learning and seeing what he was doing while I was still here.

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