Thursday, August 21, 2014
Today is one of those days where I would have loved to just skip past. It seemed each kid had some kind of emotional melt down and I wasn't far behind. Kids have been fighting tons. McKenzie is an emotional roller coaster. She goes from sweet to upset and having a crying melt down within a second, and this is unfortunately a daily occurrence now. I feel like a failure daily. I can't seem to get the kids to be obedient when I ask them to do things nicely. They feel like using the word please when asked is really just suggesting they do something. I just want to curl up and scream off the steam sometimes. But that won't do any good. I am so tired. Tired of putting out fires, refereeing kids arguments, figuring out who started what, and being told I'm mean and don't love them. The opposite is true. I do love them, which is why I don't want them fighting. I love them, so I hold them accountable, so they know negative behavior has negative consequences and positive behavior has positive consequences. I do love them, so I make them learn how to do their school work, play the piano, and work. I do love them, which is why I expect them to behave and be respectful. I knew when Easton died it would be hard on our family as we miss him dearly. But in no way could I expect, anticipate, or prepare for what is happening to my children. I can't even find words to explain it or a way to help it. I feel like I try so hard to be consistent. I pray hard to ask for how I can help. I know we are all so blessed to still be here on earth to learn and grow. This is a challenge that is very difficult. More difficult than the actual loss of Easton. He is happy and healthy. I know where he is! As I watch my kids now, and myself, I don't know where we are or how we are doing. I want to know and I try my best, but each day is getting more difficult. I do know there is a reason. I know I am not handling this trial with my kids emotions very well. I feel like I still have so much to learn that it is weighing on me. So I need to suck it up and start learning and changing myself for the better, because my kids need me. Their eternal lives depend on me helping teach them to be better, and for them to be better, they need a mom to set the example of being better.