Wednesday, May 7, 2014

Preparation or Paranoia

Last year about this time I started having nightmares that reoccurred several nights for a few weeks before Easton died.  I kept seeig him get hit by a car in front of our house. Each night I had the nightmare I would wake up frantic and sweaty. I would have to self talk myself with how I would handle this actually happening. I would always calm myself as I would think about the Lord's will and me having to recognize HIS purpose in all things. After Easton died, I realized those nightmares were preparing me to rely on my faith to get through such a difficult thing.

Last night I had a terrible nightmare that Beckett pulled on some Tv cords and pulled the large, heavy, flat screen tv off the wall and crushed himself to death. In my dream I was loading up to go coach Kenzie's softball practice and Cameron was in watching a show while looking after Beckett. Before I got out of the driveway the police came because Cameron had called 911 and they were close by. They cuffed me and pressed charges for accidental neglect resulting in a fatality.  Worst feeling ever!!  It is hard to put into writing the helplessness, pain, regret, out of control feelings. I woke up in a sweat again. Of course my biggest fear is losing another child. Even worse is being told I'm not a good mother, because I have lost a child to an accident. And even furthermore is losing a second child. As I woke up from this nightmare in a panic, I had to check myself again.  What if this nightmare were a reality?!  Of course I would hope this would never happen, but what if?  Am I just being paranoid or am I being prepared again?  I am going to say it doesn't matter, either way, I have to keep myself in line with whatever The Lord has in store for me.  I thought about Job in the scriptures. Job lost his wife, family, riches, everything except his testimony. He had been well to do, but when he lost everything he had, he still stayed strong in his faith. I hope I can be like Job in my faith. I really hope I don't get tested like Job was tested, but in my heart I have to know that if I was tested to that extreme, then I would want to be as strong and committed to my Savior and Heavenly Father.

I really hope I don't keep having these nightmares. But on a positive note, I do feel like I have a spiritual experience as I live out each nightmare, saddened by the loss, but strengthened to know I will find peace and calm during the storm as I recognize the Lord's will in my life.

1 comment:

  1. I have followed your blog because in your worst trial you have actually strengthened me ~ along with many others, and I Love you and Nathan and your sweet family so much. I couldn't begin to think of myself, or what I would be, if the Lord called on me to be in the same place you are. I have lost a Husband and been through much grief, but I don't think it could ever compare to what you and Nathan have had to endure. I've often compared my faith to Jobs faith also, and what and inspiring story the Lord provides for us to learn from. The Scriptures provide so much instruction and comfort, and I'm so thankful to Heavenly Father for his sweet guidance. He is forever and constantly there to help and comfort us. I'm so sorry you have been experiencing night mares. I know they can be pretty un-nerving. I'm so thankful that I had the opportunity to get to know you and your sweet family while I was in Lake Jackson. All of you are forever in my Prayers.