Child of Light

I have had such a great day today.  I have cried tears of joy and sadness from the loss of Easton not being here with me today.  Because of the experience our family has had with Easton's death, we have had the opportunity to share our faith and beliefs with others.  Today I was asked how the Gospel of Jesus Christ has helped me in my daily life.  I can't help but feel my Heavenly Father's love even stronger when I am asked that question.  It would take a long time to explain how it blesses my life, but I hope that from what others around me see from my example that I don't have to take as much time to explain but I hope others can see how it blesses me. I am so humbled and blessed to have the knowledge and faith I have of who I am, why I am here, and where I am going.  I am also blessed to know why Heavenly Father puts trials in our lives.  I know that because of Easton's life, and his early departure, our family (and me specifically) has learned many things that couldn't have been learned any other way.  I have a friend that is dear to me who has had a tough life and upbringing.  As I have come to know her and love her, I have learned that she doesn't understand or recognize God's love for her, and because of past choices doesn't always feel worthy of Him.  As I have been able to try and help her find and feel the love Heavenly Father has for each of us, I have continued to recognize it in my own life even stronger.  I can't help but feel so blessed to know I am a daughter of a king.  He has so much to offer each one of us in His kingdom and is waiting for us to return to Him. 

As I met with my friend today, I referenced many things I have learned from my experience with being Easton's mom.  It of course has made me miss him even more than I already do, since it was on my very mind so strongly.  I decided to sit and watch the video that one of my friends made to have play as guests waited for the funeral to start.  As I sat and watched it today, I couldn't help but feel the spirit witness to me again how important each and every one of us are.  I felt the spirit so strong reminding me that as I seek him, I can make it through anything!  One of the songs on the video, "Child of Light" by Mindy Gledhill, really hit home for how my friend has been feeling, and reminds me once again that through seeking light and truth we will come to know all things and get through anything with the love of the Savior helping us each step of the way to get us back to our Heavenly Father.
Below you will find a link to the song and the lyrics, "Child of Light"

Click the link below to watch Easton's video

http://animoto.com/play/9190uvrHxI4D5iLEGpFXHQ 

"Child of Light" lyrics- Mindy Gledhill

Did you ever wonder who you are
do you ever wonder as you stare into the stars
where you began
and how you got this far
from home?

Have you ever walked along the shore
Have you ever seen the water dancing back and forth
did you look inside
to see if there was more to life

There's a dream taking wings
There's a voice that wants to sing
Even in the deepest darkest night
The Torch is raised to the sky
There are hands that hold it high
You were born to keep it burning bright
You were made to fly you were meant to shine
Child of light

You will never ever stand alone
You were never called to bare your burdens on your own
Where there's fear
Love will take control
And lead you on

There's a dream taking wings
There's a voice that wants to sing
Even in the deepest darkest night
The  Torch is raised to the sky
There are hands that hold it high
You were born to keep it burning bright
You were made to fly you were meant to shine
child of light

There's a dream taking wings
There's a voice that wants to sing
Even in the deepest darkest night
The Torch is raised to the sky
there are hands that hold it high
You were born to keep it burning bright
You were made to fly you were meant to shine
Child of light
 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-mu4wpBtyqw to listen to Mindy Gledhill sing "Child of Light"

The New Reality

The kids started school last week and our new reality has started.  The reality that Easton won't be home to play with Briar, Beckett, or me.  I decided to put Briar into pre-k, which is something I haven't done with any of my other children. Usually we have done an in-home preschool co-op for our kids.  I felt that it would be good for him to have kids his age to play with for a few hours each day, to help fill the void of missing his "best fwend" and play mate all day.  I am sure he still misses him all day, but at least it is a little of a distraction for a few hours.  Briar loves going to school.  I sure miss him. It is so weird having just Beckett home for a few hours each day.  Especially when I should still have 3 kids all day at home and 3 kids at school. 

I have had quite an emotional week with all the kids gone most of the day.  I have found myself crying several times throughout the day.  I miss my sweet baby boy.  This has been one of the hardest weeks ever!  Although, not all of everyday has been terribly difficult, what has made it so hard is that the kids come home from school tired.  I am sure they have a lot going on in their minds that I don't know or understand.  They are still trying to move on and grieve also.  They have been very out of character.  The kids have been grumpy, fighting, picking on each other, and not doing what I ask them when I ask several times.  This is very uncharacteristic of them.  Don't get me wrong, they aren't perfect and I know that they aren't going to be perfect.  But it is magnified and more than the average for my kiddos.  In return, I have allowed myself to be grumpy, raise my voice, and be easily irritable.  I feel like a failure as a mother when I get short with my children and less than patient with them. 

I am beginning to realize the loss of Easton isn't just a test of our faith.  It is a test for us as a family in many aspects of our lives.  I still have learn to be more kind, loving, and patient as a mother.  I need to understand that my children are hurting as well.  When I see them being extra grumpy, picking on each other, or quick to anger, instead of allowing myself to be irritated I realize I need to show extra love and understanding.  To do this doesn't mean to allow the negative behavior to continue, but rather pull them aside and tell them I know it isn't like them to behave that way and find out what is going on in their head. 

Yesterday, on Labor Day, as we ate lunch with extended family, I was quite upset about some things and very frustrated.  I decided to sit in the booth and read my scriptures to help me find peace and comfort, to help get rid of the feelings of frustration bottled inside me ready to explode, because I felt like a ticking time bomb.  I came upon this scripture found in the Book of Mormon, Alma chapter 7, verse 23.  It reads:

And now I would that ye should be humble, and be submissive and gentle; easy to be entreated; full of patience and long-suffering; being temperate in all things; being diligent in keeping the commandments of God at all times; asking for whatsoever things ye stand in need, both spiritual and temporal; always returning thanks unto God for whatsoever things ye do receive.

Over and over again I see the Lord's hand in my life.  As I read this scripture and thought about how it applies to me, I realized that as I continue to do my best to follow the Savior that I still need to ASK for what I need help with.  He will and He does help me when I ask!  When I receive that help and blessings, I need to remember to give thanks.  I felt overwhelming love from my Heavenly Father in that moment as I was seeking to find that love and peace during a difficult moment.  My husband was quick to remind me that I didn't have a bad week.  I had some bad moments during my week.  I am thankful for a husband that helps set such a good example and positive attitude, especially during such a difficult time for him as well.

Although the new reality for our family is missing our 2 year old, there are many blessings to be thankful for.  Our family has received an outpouring of love from friends, family, and acquaintances, as well as strangers.  I have felt God's love stronger than ever before!  We have had the opportunity to look at our priorities and strengthen our faith.  Even though this school year has started out difficult with missing my kiddos during the day and missing sweet Easton, I am blessed to have 5 children still here with me that help me on this earth to be a better person and one in heaven cheering me on to never give up so we can all be together again!


The kids on their second day of school, because I am a slacker and missed first day pictures!


Briar holding Beckett's hand after picking him up from his first day of preschool


Beckett giving me sweet kisses to brighten my day

Family Pictures

After Easton died, we had an acquaintance offer to take family pictures for us.  This was such a wonderful experience for our family, and now we are closer friends with the photographer.  It is amazing to see what impact Easton's life and death have had on so many people around our family.  I am so thankful for the opportunity we had to get our pictures taken, especially because I hadn't done a family picture after I had Beckett.  I was waiting until this summer when he was a little older and more alert.  Unfortunately I waited too long, so we will never have a family picture with everyone "living", but it was quite a spiritual experience to take these photos.  Although Easton is only physically there via a canvas picture, he is still very much alive in spirit.  I felt his presence with us as we took these pictures and I feel him close to me often as I think of him, miss him, and grieve over him.  He truly is an angel baby and I can't wait to hold him again!  I hope as you view these pictures you will feel God's love for you as I know I feel His love for me through my children, friends, family, and acquaintances that show so much love and thoughtfulness during this difficult time.

Thank you Rita McEntire from Whimsy and Spice Photography