Christmas

This Christmas we celebrated the birth of the Savior, Beckett's first Christmas, and our first Christmas without Easton. This was a day of many emotions: sad, peaceful, happy, reverent, and joyous.   Every time we sang "Silent Night" this year I cried for a few reasons. I have a whole new understanding and insight, small as it may be, to what it may have been like the night the Savior was born. I imagine that night being reverent and peaceful.  I couldn't help but think about a conversation Nathan and I had about a week after Easton died. We were getting out of the car in the evening at Nathan's parents house and we both recognized how loud the animals were outside. We both then talked about the night one week prior when Easton died and how quiet and calm nature was when we were looking for him.  Tears of peace and joy comfort me as I think about life and how connected everything is.  I think about the reverence and peace that nature (wind, trees, water, animals, and bugs) had the night Easton returned to Heavenly Father. It truly was a "Silent Night" and a "Holy Night" where all was calm around us, despite the frantic panic of losing Easton.  Amidst all the craziness and sadness that evening,  I can truly say I did find peace and calm as I cried and began to mourn as I tried to process our new reality; Easton was not coming with us.

This Christmas definitely felt different as the void of Easton being gone was ever so noticeable.  But I know Easton's presence will always be near me at the times God knows I need to feel him close.  As I watched the kids open presents and play I thought of Easton often.  He would have loved singing on grandma and papa's singing machine, dancing to the music, shooting paintball guns, flying helicopters, jumping on the trampoline, and riding bikes with his cousins and siblings.  Although it is heartbreaking to imagine what it could be like with him still here, I am always so grateful for my Savior who has made it possible for our family to be together forever.  I'm thankful for my testimony and knowledge of the Gospel of Jesus Christ, which  gives me hope and peace that all things will be made right in the end.  What a blessing that knowledge is, that my Heavenly Father loves me so much that He will make up for the heartache I feel now.  I know I can't imagine or understand how that all works, but I know it will be my faith that allows me to be blessed with what my Heavenly Father has in store for me.

I have included a little video from last Christmas. I have watched this video multiple times today.  I enjoyed watching Easton last Christmas.  He was always so happy!  He loved everything and everyone.  It is such a joy to see the glow in his eyes and his heartwarming smile.  I hope everyone else enjoys watching him as much as I do.  It is so amazing to think how our lives change in an instant.  Easton is no longer a toddler just enjoying the sights, sounds, smells, and tastes of life.  He is alive and well, but in another place doing other work.  My life has changed.  I can't comprehend or even imagine what Easton is like in heaven.  I can only imagine him as he was and what I saw him as here on earth, a toddler full of adventure, life, and love.  I love the time I had with him!  I love the experiences we shared.  I look forward to being with him again and learning and seeing what he was doing while I was still here.

683

What's so important about this number?  Nathan gave me this letter and necklace for Christmas.  His letter says it all!

12-25-2013

 

Tiff,

 

            When I came up with the idea for this gift I was thinking about the time that we had with Easton. I was counting the number of days that he was on the earth with us and about all of the beautiful memories we had with him. Easton lived with us for 683 days, and I kept thinking….683 days of perfection. But then I thought about more than the time we had with him here, but the eternities that we will have with him forever. So with these thoughts I designed this pendant specifically for you, in memory of Easton and the wonderful blessing he has been in our lives and that continue to come to us after his death.

 

            The pendant is made of white gold. I chose this for 2 reasons…1. Because you like it better, and 2. Because it seemed more pure to me than yellow gold. When I think of Eastons life I think of the purity that he brought with his calm demeanor and the way he made everyone around him feel loved. He showed the pure love of Christ to all around him.

 

            If you look at the center of the pendant you will see the number 683. This number represents the days that we had with Easton on this earth. 683 days of joy that shaped our family into something much better than before he was with us. I think about these days and am so thankful for all of the happy memories we were able to make and even though we have experienced so much sadness with his death I would do it all over again 1000 times, if I could.  Those 683 days will always be special to us.

 

            The 683 is surrounded by a circle. A circle has many meanings, but I thought about how a circle is defined by its center. If the center moves, so does the circle. Eastons life has helped me redefine my center and the center of our family and I know that with Jesus Christ at the center of our family we can be whole again….just like a circle…everlasting with no breaks. I also think about Easton, and our desire to be with him, as a center of the circle. As we live our lives in a way that allows us to live with him eternally we will be putting Jesus Christ at the center.

 

            You will also see a lot of diamonds on the pendant. Diamonds are so precious because of their rarity, but also because of the circumstances by which they are made. Diamonds are also very hard, the hardest of elements, and cannot be scratched by other elements. A diamond is formed out of the same elements as coal. Under extreme pressure and heat, these elements become beautiful and everlasting. After they are formed diamonds are pushed to the surface of the earth by deep volcanic eruptions. I think about this past year and the extreme pressures and challenges that we have faced and I am thankful to have a wife who has emerged from these pressures and challenges as a diamond. You have withstood the pressures and have come out more beautiful than ever. The challenges have helped our testimonies of the gospel harden, like a diamond, and as we are pushed to the surface we can now bless the lives of others because of our experiences. The diamonds also remind me of Easton…his clear beautiful eyes that we could look into for hours, because he was pure.  He was a diamond when he came to us, and he helped us become more like him.

 

            Last, the number 8 is also the infinity symbol. When I was drawing out this design, originally with just the 683, I realized that the 683 is just the beginning and that we can spend eternity with him, so I had to fit this symbol in. When I figured out how to draw it in I thought it was perfect. The 683 days that we spent with him is just a part of eternity, and while the 683 days were great, eternity is our focus, and became the focus of the necklace design.

 

            I hope that this will have as much meaning to you as it did to me in having this made, and that it will be a precious reminder of our sweet Eastie, but also of our goal of an eternal family. I am thankful that I married someone who will help our family reach that goal. I knew when I prayed about marrying you that you were a diamond. Our Heavenly Father knows all, and he will continue to bless us with the challenges that he know we need to reach our goal of living with our Beast again.

 

I love you,