Emotional Bank Accounts

Every Monday night we set aside a few hours to have quality family time that we call "Family Home Evening", aka FHE.  In our weekly FHE we will have an agenda that includes: opening song, opening prayer, scripture, lesson, activity, treat, and closing prayer.   Each person takes turn rotating assignments.  Yesterday Nathan taught the lesson on "Emotional Bank Accounts".  We have, as an ENTIRE FAMILY, fallen a little short in helping to fill each others bank accounts, but have instead made severe withdrawals in the way we have interacted.  I'm afraid we may all feel as if our accounts are in the negative, because there has been a little more contention and teasing between family members.  In this lesson we discussed ways to make deposits and things we do that make withdrawals from others emotional bank accounts.  We made a poster with the different behaviors.  Then we each made our own jar with stones inside for us to keep track of how we are doing.  The goal is for our stones to be in everyone else's jars, instead of our own.  Each time we do something to make a deposit for a family member, then we take our color stone and put it in their jar.  Each time we make a withdraw, we take one of our stones from our jar into the negative jar and one of their stones comes out as well.   The goal is to fill each others Positive jars with a variety of eachothers stones and keep the negative jars empty! I love this object lesson, because it will help us see how quickly we can build eachother up or empty out one another's emotional bank accounts.

Family home evening is such a blessing for our family.  It takes effort and sacrifice, but it is quality time where we can discuss, learn, have fun, and work together as a family to help us become better people and a stronger family. Life gets busy and can be very hard, but the efforts will be well worth the eternal blessings.

Too Long!

It has been way too long since I have posted.  I plan to write more about all different things, but for today I need to write about the last few weeks.  As our 3 year mark approaches I have reflected on the last few years.  I'm thankful for my journal and blog, because the first year is a blur.  The second year was a little better and time continues to help heal. Milestones, anniversaries, and trauma from the loss of other families often reopens that wound back to day one.  Those emotions and feelings are unforgettable.  My heart has been broken and I have cried several times for another family in our area who lost a child recently.  I have many times just wanted to go find the mom and hug her, even though we don't know eachother.  I have wanted to call.  But just as it was with our experience, I have NO IDEA what to say or what to do! There isn't anything people can say or do to take the pain away.  BUT, I do remember feeling the overwhelming love and support of family, church, friends, and community with phone calls, messages, notes, visits, packages mailed, meals, random door bell ditched goodies, and the list goes on.  We can't say or do much during these times, but we can do small simple acts of love that go a long way.  If you are ever at a loss of what to say or do, just do what you feel in your heart.  You have NO IDEA how small and simple those small acts go for the ones hurting so bad.

           I hope that I can continue to find strength daily to be the person God has intended me to be so I can be with my family forever. I hope I can pay forward ten fold the acts of love and kindness that helped lift me up during my darkest hour. It is a daily battle and I hope that at the end of each day I can rest knowing I have done all I can to help others, show love and kindness, compassion, and Christ like love to those around me, those who despise me, and especially to those who call me mom.

Beckett's love

This morning was a great morning, where I again felt my Heavenly Father's arms around me.  I took Beckett to the grocery store after we dropped the kids to school.  We went to the grocery store that is directly across from the cemetery where Easton's body lays to rest.  I decided we would stop on the way home to just enjoy a few moments remembering my sweet boy.  Beckett was excited to get out of the car at the cemetery when I asked if he wanted to visit Easton.  He kept smiling and saying "Easton" over and over.  We sat together on Easton's bench as we looked at all the pictures of Easton on his headstone.  Words can't describe the beauty we enjoyed this morning.  The sun was shining through the trees, birds were chirping and flying from tree to tree.  The weather was perfect temperature, and mosquitoes weren't eating us.  Beckett was saying Easton's name, over and over again.  It was a glorious morning as I enjoyed watching the joy on Beckett's face and the happiness in his voice as we enjoyed a few peaceful moments remembering Easton.  Beckett saw me getting teary eyed and he just nested into my shoulder and put his arms around me.  I know he could feel my love and pain.  Beckett knew I needed it! I know Beckett knows Easton.  Sometimes I wonder if Beckett and Easton see eachother and have conversations together often.  To some people that thought may be far fetched.  But I know and have a strong testimony that our loved ones who has gone before us can be near, especially at times when we need to feel them close.  I know that we have a loving Heavenly Father that allows us to find peace, feel His love, and recognize our blessings even when we are hurting or going through difficult times.  My heart aches for those who experience trials in their life without that knowledge.  I know how hard life can be even having faith and strength as I feel my Savior's love.  I couldn't imagine going through difficult things wihtout that faith and strength.  I know Beckett was sent to our family for a purpose, as were all of my children.  I am thankful for the morning we shared and the love I felt from my Father in Heaven through Beckett today.  It warmed my heart more than words can explain. 

Daily sorrows

Today is one of those days where I would have loved to just skip past.  It seemed each kid had some kind of emotional melt down and I wasn't far behind. Kids have been fighting tons.  McKenzie is an emotional roller coaster. She goes from sweet to upset and having a crying melt down within a second, and this is unfortunately a daily occurrence now. I feel like a failure daily.  I can't seem to get the kids to be obedient when I ask them to do things nicely. They feel like using the word please when asked is really just suggesting they do something.   I just want to curl up and scream off the steam sometimes. But that won't do any good.  I am so tired. Tired of putting out fires, refereeing kids arguments, figuring out who started what, and being told I'm mean and don't love them.  The opposite is true. I do love them, which is why I don't want them fighting.  I love them, so I hold them accountable, so they know negative behavior has negative consequences and positive behavior has positive consequences.  I do love them, so I make them learn how to do their school work, play the piano, and work.  I do love them, which is why I expect them to behave and be respectful.  I knew when Easton died it would be hard on our family as we miss him dearly.  But in no way could I expect, anticipate, or prepare for what is happening to my children.  I can't even find words to explain it or a way to help it.  I feel like I try so hard to be consistent.  I pray hard to ask for how I can help.  I know we are all so blessed to still be here on earth to learn and grow.  This is a challenge that is very difficult.  More difficult than the actual loss of Easton.  He is happy and healthy.  I know where he is! As I watch my kids now, and myself, I don't know where we are or how we are doing.  I want to know and I try my best, but each day is getting more difficult.  I do know there is a reason.  I know I am not handling this trial with my kids emotions very well.  I feel like  I still have so much to learn that it is weighing on me.  So I need to suck it up and start learning and changing myself for the better, because my kids need me.  Their eternal lives depend on me helping teach them to be better, and for them to be better, they need a mom to set the example of being better.

Preparation or Paranoia

Last year about this time I started having nightmares that reoccurred several nights for a few weeks before Easton died.  I kept seeig him get hit by a car in front of our house. Each night I had the nightmare I would wake up frantic and sweaty. I would have to self talk myself with how I would handle this actually happening. I would always calm myself as I would think about the Lord's will and me having to recognize HIS purpose in all things. After Easton died, I realized those nightmares were preparing me to rely on my faith to get through such a difficult thing.

Last night I had a terrible nightmare that Beckett pulled on some Tv cords and pulled the large, heavy, flat screen tv off the wall and crushed himself to death. In my dream I was loading up to go coach Kenzie's softball practice and Cameron was in watching a show while looking after Beckett. Before I got out of the driveway the police came because Cameron had called 911 and they were close by. They cuffed me and pressed charges for accidental neglect resulting in a fatality.  Worst feeling ever!!  It is hard to put into writing the helplessness, pain, regret, out of control feelings. I woke up in a sweat again. Of course my biggest fear is losing another child. Even worse is being told I'm not a good mother, because I have lost a child to an accident. And even furthermore is losing a second child. As I woke up from this nightmare in a panic, I had to check myself again.  What if this nightmare were a reality?!  Of course I would hope this would never happen, but what if?  Am I just being paranoid or am I being prepared again?  I am going to say it doesn't matter, either way, I have to keep myself in line with whatever The Lord has in store for me.  I thought about Job in the scriptures. Job lost his wife, family, riches, everything except his testimony. He had been well to do, but when he lost everything he had, he still stayed strong in his faith. I hope I can be like Job in my faith. I really hope I don't get tested like Job was tested, but in my heart I have to know that if I was tested to that extreme, then I would want to be as strong and committed to my Savior and Heavenly Father.

I really hope I don't keep having these nightmares. But on a positive note, I do feel like I have a spiritual experience as I live out each nightmare, saddened by the loss, but strengthened to know I will find peace and calm during the storm as I recognize the Lord's will in my life.

What nobody told me about losing a child

I have read and talked to many people who have had a child pass away, but what nobody ever told me is that I would also lose a piece of EACH of my children when we buried Easton. (At least for some time) I know the grieving process is long and different for everyone, but what I have discovered the past few months is that I am having to learn to parent each of my children again. They each have their own way of processing and handling the trauma they have experienced the last nine months.  As a mom I am having to learn and adjust to the changes in each of them and try to be understanding of the difficult behaviors they're exhibiting. As challenging as it has been the past few months as these behavior changes have come to light, I have learned a few things. First, I have to understand that their world has been flipped upside down and rocked in ways I can't relate to.  I can understand that they are hurting and they don't even recognize their feelings and the changes in themselves as being related to the loss of Easton. Second, I have learned that it is going to take me being patient and unconditionally loving to help them find security, safety, and refuge.  As the kids exhibit these difficult behaviors I have realized they need to feel valued and treasured as much as Easton. When I begin to feel overwhelemed and frustrated with the kids choices, I have realized it is important for me to help them find their own self worth. This is very hard. There are days where I am just emotionally and physically exhausted, especially when the kids are grumpy, constantly fighting, and whinning over simple and small things that used to never be a problem. Every mom feels this struggle sometimes, but it has been magnified 100 fold with the constant battle to balance my children's hardships and grieving, my own grieving, and carrying on being strong for my children and husband, while still continuing on with all the other tasks of life we had before Easton died. I know that as we face this hardship together as a family, and focus on the eternal perspective of things, that over time our family will be healed and whole through our Savior's love and atonement. Until that time comes I will share what I am learning as I walk that path, and hope I can in some small way help someone else along the way.

Easton's Trees Clean Up

Packing the ornaments from Easton's trees were more difficult than I imagined.  I enjoyed putting the trees up and looking at each individual ornament.  I could feel so much love and support as each ornament arrived.  We labeled all the ornaments as they came in, if they were marked from the sender.  I enjoyed walking by the trees in their various locations.  I loved staring out my in laws back door at night and seeing the tree lights across the slough.  It made me feel so peaceful.  As I would stare at the lights out there it would make me think of what a light Easton brought to this world and the continued light he still brings as I think of him. 

I'm not sure what or why I felt the way I did as we packed up his ornaments.  Maybe every time I put something away for him is like letting another piece of him go.  I know he is gone, but his spirit is well and alive.  But, it is still tough not having him here physically.  Those ornaments were all physical reminders of Easton and the things in life he loved.  Although I love the physical reminders, I know the spiritual reminders are most important and more influential.  I am thankful for the physical things that help remind me and help me feel that spirit close.

Happy New Year

As 2013 came to a close and we start 2014, I had a dear friend ask me how I am doing.  My reply was that 2013 was a pretty tough year.  She said, "This year will be better."  As I thought about that conversation, I looked back at 2013 and thought, "yes on the surface losing Easton made 2013 become quite a rough year."  But, all in all, I realized that 2013 was a great year.  Even though it has been hard and words can't even begin to touch on the emotions I have, it has also been a very happy and rewarding year.  I have cried many tears over the loss of Easton. I can honestly say that if I were to count all the tears cried, that more of the tears turned from sorrow and longing to tears of joy, love, and peace. Don't get me wrong, I miss Easton and I cry tears of sorrow a lot, but amidst those sorrowful tears come tears of joy, love, peace, and comfort as I feel the Saviors love enfold me.  I have learned so much this past year from the trials we have faced.  I don't think, no I know, that Heavenly Father knew this was the only way for me to learn some of the things I have learned.  What are those things, you might ask?  To start, I have learned how to lean on the Savior stronger. I have learned a deeper understanding of the importance of DAILY scripture and prayer. I have learned to pray harder.  I have learned to trust deeper.  I have learned to stand stronger.  I have learned to walk by faith more readily.  I have learned more about the importance of priorities in life and this world vs. God and eternal consequences.  I have learned a deeper understanding of compassion and forgiveness towards others.  I have learned more patience and tolerance.  I still have lots of room for learning and improvement in all those aspects, but I recognize them more deeply.  I have also learned to blog!

So, despite having some pretty tough challenges in 2013, I am thankful for all the blessings and spiritual growth I have received.  I know this coming year will also bring unforeseen trials, but I hope that all the things I have learned from this past year will help me during the tough times ahead.  I know that if I continue to do my best to lean on the Savior, that the trials that I do face this coming year will also be a blessing in my life to help mold me into a better person and daughter of God.

Beastie's Bench

We were so blessed to get special permission for a spot to place a bench at Easton's grave.  We enjoyed working together as a family to come up with a  design that we would be able to enjoy permanently.  We are very happy with this monument and we will enjoy sitting on it as we visit this peaceful temporary resting place for Easton's physical body.

Christmas

This Christmas we celebrated the birth of the Savior, Beckett's first Christmas, and our first Christmas without Easton. This was a day of many emotions: sad, peaceful, happy, reverent, and joyous.   Every time we sang "Silent Night" this year I cried for a few reasons. I have a whole new understanding and insight, small as it may be, to what it may have been like the night the Savior was born. I imagine that night being reverent and peaceful.  I couldn't help but think about a conversation Nathan and I had about a week after Easton died. We were getting out of the car in the evening at Nathan's parents house and we both recognized how loud the animals were outside. We both then talked about the night one week prior when Easton died and how quiet and calm nature was when we were looking for him.  Tears of peace and joy comfort me as I think about life and how connected everything is.  I think about the reverence and peace that nature (wind, trees, water, animals, and bugs) had the night Easton returned to Heavenly Father. It truly was a "Silent Night" and a "Holy Night" where all was calm around us, despite the frantic panic of losing Easton.  Amidst all the craziness and sadness that evening,  I can truly say I did find peace and calm as I cried and began to mourn as I tried to process our new reality; Easton was not coming with us.

This Christmas definitely felt different as the void of Easton being gone was ever so noticeable.  But I know Easton's presence will always be near me at the times God knows I need to feel him close.  As I watched the kids open presents and play I thought of Easton often.  He would have loved singing on grandma and papa's singing machine, dancing to the music, shooting paintball guns, flying helicopters, jumping on the trampoline, and riding bikes with his cousins and siblings.  Although it is heartbreaking to imagine what it could be like with him still here, I am always so grateful for my Savior who has made it possible for our family to be together forever.  I'm thankful for my testimony and knowledge of the Gospel of Jesus Christ, which  gives me hope and peace that all things will be made right in the end.  What a blessing that knowledge is, that my Heavenly Father loves me so much that He will make up for the heartache I feel now.  I know I can't imagine or understand how that all works, but I know it will be my faith that allows me to be blessed with what my Heavenly Father has in store for me.

I have included a little video from last Christmas. I have watched this video multiple times today.  I enjoyed watching Easton last Christmas.  He was always so happy!  He loved everything and everyone.  It is such a joy to see the glow in his eyes and his heartwarming smile.  I hope everyone else enjoys watching him as much as I do.  It is so amazing to think how our lives change in an instant.  Easton is no longer a toddler just enjoying the sights, sounds, smells, and tastes of life.  He is alive and well, but in another place doing other work.  My life has changed.  I can't comprehend or even imagine what Easton is like in heaven.  I can only imagine him as he was and what I saw him as here on earth, a toddler full of adventure, life, and love.  I love the time I had with him!  I love the experiences we shared.  I look forward to being with him again and learning and seeing what he was doing while I was still here.

683

What's so important about this number?  Nathan gave me this letter and necklace for Christmas.  His letter says it all!

12-25-2013

 

Tiff,

 

            When I came up with the idea for this gift I was thinking about the time that we had with Easton. I was counting the number of days that he was on the earth with us and about all of the beautiful memories we had with him. Easton lived with us for 683 days, and I kept thinking….683 days of perfection. But then I thought about more than the time we had with him here, but the eternities that we will have with him forever. So with these thoughts I designed this pendant specifically for you, in memory of Easton and the wonderful blessing he has been in our lives and that continue to come to us after his death.

 

            The pendant is made of white gold. I chose this for 2 reasons…1. Because you like it better, and 2. Because it seemed more pure to me than yellow gold. When I think of Eastons life I think of the purity that he brought with his calm demeanor and the way he made everyone around him feel loved. He showed the pure love of Christ to all around him.

 

            If you look at the center of the pendant you will see the number 683. This number represents the days that we had with Easton on this earth. 683 days of joy that shaped our family into something much better than before he was with us. I think about these days and am so thankful for all of the happy memories we were able to make and even though we have experienced so much sadness with his death I would do it all over again 1000 times, if I could.  Those 683 days will always be special to us.

 

            The 683 is surrounded by a circle. A circle has many meanings, but I thought about how a circle is defined by its center. If the center moves, so does the circle. Eastons life has helped me redefine my center and the center of our family and I know that with Jesus Christ at the center of our family we can be whole again….just like a circle…everlasting with no breaks. I also think about Easton, and our desire to be with him, as a center of the circle. As we live our lives in a way that allows us to live with him eternally we will be putting Jesus Christ at the center.

 

            You will also see a lot of diamonds on the pendant. Diamonds are so precious because of their rarity, but also because of the circumstances by which they are made. Diamonds are also very hard, the hardest of elements, and cannot be scratched by other elements. A diamond is formed out of the same elements as coal. Under extreme pressure and heat, these elements become beautiful and everlasting. After they are formed diamonds are pushed to the surface of the earth by deep volcanic eruptions. I think about this past year and the extreme pressures and challenges that we have faced and I am thankful to have a wife who has emerged from these pressures and challenges as a diamond. You have withstood the pressures and have come out more beautiful than ever. The challenges have helped our testimonies of the gospel harden, like a diamond, and as we are pushed to the surface we can now bless the lives of others because of our experiences. The diamonds also remind me of Easton…his clear beautiful eyes that we could look into for hours, because he was pure.  He was a diamond when he came to us, and he helped us become more like him.

 

            Last, the number 8 is also the infinity symbol. When I was drawing out this design, originally with just the 683, I realized that the 683 is just the beginning and that we can spend eternity with him, so I had to fit this symbol in. When I figured out how to draw it in I thought it was perfect. The 683 days that we spent with him is just a part of eternity, and while the 683 days were great, eternity is our focus, and became the focus of the necklace design.

 

            I hope that this will have as much meaning to you as it did to me in having this made, and that it will be a precious reminder of our sweet Eastie, but also of our goal of an eternal family. I am thankful that I married someone who will help our family reach that goal. I knew when I prayed about marrying you that you were a diamond. Our Heavenly Father knows all, and he will continue to bless us with the challenges that he know we need to reach our goal of living with our Beast again.

 

I love you,

Easton's Christmas Trees

We have truly felt so much love and support from around the world.  Ma Whipple had a wonderful idea to ask our friends, family, and acquaintances who want to join us in sending ornaments for Christmas trees that we placed at our house, the path toward the Garden of Easton, and at the cemetery.  We had such a wonderful response that next year, we will get bigger trees!  We also added a fourth tree and made an Easton tree at Ma and Pa Whipple's house.  We have ornaments from all over the country and world, even as far as Germany!  Our family had a great day preparing these trees, looking at every ornament, labeling who they were from, and placing them on the trees.  Our hearts are filled with love and gratitude as we have felt everyone's love toward us, helping us through the holidays.  We noticed that everyone put much thought and effort into the ornaments.   We hope to continue adding to the tree each year, so anyone is welcome to continue to participate with our family as you may desire.

Thanksgiving

 

Thanksgiving was a very fun time last year as our family went to Dallas to visit cousins.  We had a fun dance party with all the cousins.  We happened to catch Easton shaking his booty during the "Shake your Bum Bum" song.  It was a difficult day today, but I thought many of our loved ones may enjoy watching this fun video we caught of him last year.  I am so thankful for modern technology that allows us to capture priceless moments to cherish  forever.  As time continues on and I try to remember everything about Easton, many things fade.  I can't always hear his laugh in my mind.  I struggle to recall his voice so readily.  I know he had a sweet voice and the inflection always ending in a higher pitch with every word, but the exactness of it is fading.  I love being able to watch videos and see him so full of life.  I know his spirit is still living, but for now I don't know what all he is doing and what all that entails.  So, for now, it is fun to remember what his little body was doing while he was here with me for his short 22 months.  I have much to be thankful for this Thanksgiving, and one thing is being blessed with 6 beautiful children!  I'm thankful to be a mom.  I'm grateful to be Easton's mom.

Beckett's first words

After having 6 children, I love figuring out the first words of each child.  Cameron was quack, quack.  McKenzie, Zackery, and Briar was dada.  Easton was mama.  Beckett's first word was out of the ordinary, but perfectly fitting.  He said "num, nums" first.  It is Beckett's second word that brings me tears of joy and love.

Almost daily I will look at pictures of Easton around the house or on my cell phone wall.  Often times Beckett will see the picture on my phone screen and start kicking his legs excitedly as he tries to kiss and talk to Easton's picture.  But, on this particular day, I was standing in Easton's bedroom just staring at his crib.  Above his crib Nathan hung two canvas pictures of Easton and McKenzie.  As I was staring off at the pictures I heard Beckett chattering to his brother's picture as usual, but in the chatter, I heard Easton's name.   At first I thought I was imagining it.  So, I got my phone out and put Easton's picture right in front of him.  I said, "Easton," as I showed Beckett the picture.  Immediately Beckett said,"Easton."  We repeated his name together several times.  It was so exciting for me!  I didn't tell anyone except Nathan, so that night we did the same thing in Easton's room.  Nathan was able to hear Beckett say Easton's name. 

About a week later, I went to visit Grandma and Grandpa Whipple.  After being over there for a little bit, I remembered I hadn't told them that Beckett can say Easton's name. So, I found my mother in law and told her.  She replied, "I know.  We just came in from Easton's garden and I heard him say Easton while we were out there."  She didn't even know that Beckett knew how to say his name, but was able to recognize that he said it while they were in a special place. 

I love that Heavenly Father constantly shows me tender mercies during this difficult time.  Some people may think it is sad that Beckett will never know Easton, since he was only 2 months old when Easton died.  But, I know that is not true.  I know Beckett already knows his brother.  I know he will be able to feel Easton's spirit and presence throughout his life as he tries to stay close to Heavenly Father.  I also know the same is true for me and the rest of our family.  I know that as I go throughout the rest of my life that if I lean on Heavenly Father and live my life in a way that keeps Him close to me, I will be able to feel close to Easton as well. 

  

HALLOWEEN: Pin the MUSTACHE on the Beast

In our family, we traditionally participate in our church "Trunk or Treat."  Each year we gather in the parking lot to pass out candy from the trunk of our car, where some also set up games for children to play in order to "earn" their candy.  Last year our family did a fishing pond with the name of a candy flavor/brand on each fish to determine the type of candy the child would receive.  This year, Grandma Whipple decided to do pin the nose on the Jack-o-Lantern.  When she told me her idea, I immediately thought about pinning a mustache on a picture of Easton.  I thought that would be a lot of fun for the kids and a great way to have Easton with us.  We decided to have a life size poster made of Easton with a picture from last Halloween dressed in a vampire costume.  He loved his vampire teeth, which isn't typical for a child his age.  Not only would he wear them on Halloween, but we ended up with several pictures of him in his car seat with glow in the dark teeth as well.  I guess my little man just loved having things in him mouth! 

Last year I remember him enjoying one of the "scary" spider displays that one of our friends, the Willford's, had by their car.  The spider would shake then jump.  Easton would watch the spider move and anticipate when it was going to jump.  He would shake in his grandpa's arms and jump as the spider would jump, because it would "scare" him.  He would get so scared and say "scary" with his sweet and cute little voice.  Then, when papa would walk away after the spider would stop moving/vibrating, he would say, "gen, gen"
and ask Grandpa Whipple to take him back for more!!  I miss the adventure he had in life as I would watch him explore everything, even things that scared him for a moment.  He loved every thrill and every moment.

Beckett enjoying our bucket of candy

Although I missed Easton getting to play games and dress up, I truly enjoyed watching all the children play our game and seeing their reaction as they would see the poster of Easton.  When we looked at our family picture with the poster, it was so neat to see that Easton looked like he was right there with us.  Although we didn't get to dress Easton up and walk him around to trick or treat, I know he was there with us in spirit.  I can feel his presence often when he is noticeably missed from family traditions and special activities.  I miss him all the time, but I know he is aware that some days are harder than others and in those harder moments I feel him watching over me.

 

My mom was also very kind to make all my kids a trick or treat bag with a mustache theme.  Each child has a mustache and phrase about their candy "stache".   Each year we use these bags will be a reminder to us all that Easton is with us.  It is just a fun symbol to remind us that the "stache" is with us.